If you knew me in college you would have saw me bonging beers while tailgating for Ohio State football games and putting down a bottle of Lady Bligh faster than a bottle of water. (If you’ve never heard of Lady Bligh, it’s the cheap and less classy version of Captain Morgan. I was on a budget, ok?) Homegirl could drink. I loved going out, being social, making friends, being spontaneous and being the life of the party. And if I’m being honest, I am still that girl to a certain degree, with a lower alcohol tolerance and a much earlier bedtime. Becoming a mom didn’t change WHO I am, but rather HOW I live my life.
I never knew what it was like to live my life for someone else. I did what I wanted to, when I wanted to, and how I wanted to, all the time. I was single throughout college (and actually my entire life, ha!) until I started dating my now husband, Ben. Marriage definitely started to tame the party girl in me and I found myself wanting to stay in and watch a movie with Ben instead of dominating beer pong and drunk eating an entire frozen pizza on my own. Who am I!? But it wasn’t until I became pregnant and eventually had Finn that I really saw a change in the way I thought about life. I knew the second I held that chubby little baby that my life wasn’t about me anymore. It was about him. Sure, every mama needs “me” time and time with the girls and needs to keep their pre-mama life as well, but the purpose of my life was just given a whole new meaning. I wholeheartedly believe that God put me on this earth to be a wife and mother. And a damn good one at that. And call me crazy but I think He blessed me a fussy and difficult newborn to teach me patience and selflessness. My life of spending 1.5 hours getting ready before I left the house was forced to change into “just let me put a bra on and I’ll be ready”.
I would be lying if I said there aren’t times that I don’t miss my old life. And I think that’s ok to admit. That doesn’t mean I don’t love Finn with every single ounce of who I am, because believe me I do, but sometimes I think it’s normal to miss that freedom. That freedom of it being 6pm on a Thursday night and deciding to go out for supper and have too many drinks and stay out late and regret it at work the next morning. Or that freedom of going out with friends on a Saturday night and not constantly worrying about your baby at home and how he’s doing and when he ate last and if he went to sleep ok. If there’s one thing I wasn’t expecting with becoming a mom, it’s the anxiety and constant worrying that comes with it! Damn I wish I could shut my brain off sometimes. But I think that’s all pretty normal to think about your old life and compare it to how it is now. And I don’t think that makes you a bad mom for thinking those things, ok? We’re all here doing the best we can. Some days are easier than others. If your kid feels loved by you, A ++++ for the day because that is all that matters. And if you had one of those days that we all inevitably have where you yelled a little too loud and a little too often, remember tomorrow is a brand new day to start over and do better.
I wouldn’t trade my new life for anything and (God-willing) I can’t wait to add more little ones to my family. I’ve changed, yes. But for the better. I’ve been shown firsthand what really matters in life and I know I’ll continue to change and grow, just as my go to Lady Bligh drink has upgraded to a much classier Michelob Ultra. Because let’s be honest, some days you just need a damn drink to get you through the day. Is it drinking alone if your kids are home?